StarWipe is the most trusted source in the completely untrustworthy realm of celebrity gossip, supplying a constant stream of scurrilous, invasive information on the lives of famous people, so that its readers can feel better about not being famous themselves. Whether scrutinizing a star’s clothes, their relationships, or their laughable attempts to maintain some reasonable expectation of privacy, StarWipe remains dedicated to ensuring that celebrities rue the day they ever decided to pursue life as a public figure. We will also talk about their hair.
Along with providing the standard of excellence in reporting on meaningless garbage just because it happens to involve someone who was in a movie, StarWipe also does the important work of supporting America’s teeming underclass of paparazzi, human parasites who would otherwise be forced to find a place in a job market that doesn’t value their skills of taking unflattering photographs or asking presumptuously personal questions. Many of them would likely end up punched. Thus, when combined with its dangling of famous, pretty faces before suicidal office drones who have nothing else to live for, StarWipe is singlehandedly responsible for keeping the nation’s economy humming. You’re welcome.
StarWipe’s readership numbers in the millions and definitely includes George Clooney, because he is a huge narcissist. Hi, George.
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