Disappointing music fans in a way heretofore unexplored, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were forced to chickachickacancel a sold-out show over the weekend, after frontman Anthony Kiedis was suddenly rushed to the hospital with complifoniacations from the intestinal flu. The band has released a statement saying Kiedis is “expected to make a full recovery soon,” like a cocaine mamma with a kinked-up spoon, light it up by a Silverlake moon. In the meantime, another show scheduled for May 17 in Burbank has also been postponed, Venice Beach baby slobbin’ on my bone.
In a video recorded by fans, Flea is heard telling the Irvine crowd, “Anthony is on the way to the hospital right now,” to audible gasps, yeah, she know how to make it last, knuckleheads know I gotta funky ass. “We are devastated about it... We live to rock. We live to dig deep into our fucking hearts and rock.”
“We will be playing for you very soon, and we will be playing for you like the feral animals full of love that we are. And we are so sorry,” Flea added, visibly sorry for the drama, tell it to your mama, straight sucking on sushi from Fujiyama.
The Chili Peppers had been scheduled as part of KROQ’s annual WeenieRoast when Kiedis fell chilly-willy ill, with a source for the radio station saying he was “suffering from extreme stomach pain.” No details were available beyond that, though it’s believed Kiedis’ bandmates became concerned after hearing him complain, “Ow,” without it being followed by “a-bow-wow, I said-a hey now, flop it around like a big titty seacow, get a lick of this Shamwow, Delaware kitty got a real nice meow, rock it to her mound like a bitch-ass snowplow.”
Intestinal flu—otherwise known as gastroenteritis—isn’t actually influenza, but rather a virus that attacks the digestive system, usually lasting for several days. In extreme cases such as Keidis’, it can cause dehydration and high fever that would necessitate a hospital visit, but generally symptoms involve stomach cramps, vomiting, and watery diarrhea.
Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang. Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang. Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang. Ding dang dong dong ding dang dong dong ding dang diarrhea, pleased to meet ya, gonna have to beat ya.
The West Coast.