The time has finally come. Now that Playboy has officially announced that its March edition will be the first to have no nude photos, the countdown clock has never been closer to zero. Now is when we might finally see Hugh Hefner’s penis.
For more than 60 years, faithful readers have flocked to the newsstands, torn open the latest issue of Playboy, flipped through its pages, and come back disappointed. “Maybe next month,” they’ve said to themselves time and again, after not finding a spread of the Playboy founder writhing naked on the floor.
The delay of Hugh Hefner’s penis has, of course, been an amazing sales tactic, earning Playboy billions over the years. This proverbial carrot on a stick has always dangled just out of reach, keeping readers on the edge of their seats—even sustaining the magazine despite the incredible proliferation of internet pornography. But in order for the trick to keep working, you have to give us a bite.
That’s why, as Playboy’s chronicle of human nudity draws to a close, Hugh Hefner owes it to the world to finally show us his penis. It’s what his readers deserve.
Obviously, at this point there’s no way that Hefner’s penis—no matter how fantastic—will ever live up to the hype. That was probably even true by 1972, when Playboy was at its height, holding a nation rapt in anticipation for the magazine’s founding “member.” The longer Playboy refused to cave, the harder it must have become for the editorial “staff” to give the world what it wanted. But now economic reality has backed Playboy into a corner, and hopefully it will do what’s right by finally showing us Hugh Hefner’s 89-year-old penis, whether flaccid or erect.
Then again, if Playboy really wants to do right by its fans, then only a chronological look at Hefner’s penis throughout the decades will come close to satisfactory. Imagine seeing Hefner’s penis in its swingin’ ’60s, Playboy After Dark prime. Or during the crazy coke-fueled ’80s. Or to see how it changed after 9/11. These are incredibly important events in our nation’s history. And as Playboy has always chronicled the changing times, it only stands to reason that it should symbolically acknowledge them through pictures of Hefner’s dick.
It’s all been building to this. The time is now. Show us your penis, Hef.