April 25, 2016 News

God’s Secretary Lady Gaga Finally Explains Why Prince Had To Die

Finally responding to the many expressions of sorrow and disbelief following Prince’s death, God has at last issued an explanation for the singer’s untimely passing. Delivered through the vessel of his earthly appointed secretary, Lady Gaga—who in turn relayed it through the vessel of her Instagram—God has explained that he simply “needed [Prince] upstairs to innovate in heaven.” It’s a message that should bring relief to those still feeling bereft in Prince’s absence, as well as joy to all fans of efficient bureaucracy.

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Presumably too busy snatching up beloved souls to make an appearance himself, God also had Gaga deliver a short but sorely needed reassurance concerning Prince’s departure, writing, “We will be replenished endlessly by both his legacy and all that he still has to give from the beyond.” Attached to the memo was a photo of Prince playing the guitar. (Whether God selected the photo or left it to Gaga’s discretion is unknown.).

Lady Gaga, born Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, has held the demanding yet rewarding position of the Lord Almighty’s secretary for several years now. Among many other responsibilities, she often communicates his decrees through songs and social media posts. In 2011, for example, he had her alert the mortal world to the fact that “God makes no mistakes” in her hit single, “Born This Way,” a long-held company-wide policy that, regrettably, some of God’s billions of employees still need to be reminded of regularly.

Many of Gaga’s videos have also included more cryptic missives from God in the form of religious iconography, from the time she put an entire rosary into her mouth to her frolicking in a bathtub with Jesus and Judas figures. Even when she’s off the clock as God’s personal assistant, she makes her line of work known in her fashion choices, such as the white nun’s habit she wore over a see-through rubber dress during her Monster Ball Tour.

Although God remains mum on his exact plans for Prince, he did have Gaga hint at the future.

“When we die our souls … either rest or are recycled into the consciousness of an already living being or maybe a newborn baby,” Gaga conveyed. This seems to suggest that Prince could return to Earth as an infant—or any living organism, really—after he finishes “innovating” in heaven, a project that unfortunately has no given end date for completion. But undoubtedly, Gaga will continue to provide updates on the collaboration between Prince and The Holy Ghost as they occur.

God himself remains notoriously difficult to reach for clarification, as calls requesting to speak with him have all gone unanswered.