September 17, 2015 News

Lorde Has Pink Eye; All Celebrities Should Stay Home Today

StarWipe is issuing a conjunctivitis advisory after learning Lorde has contracted pink eye. All celebrities should stay in their homes today.

Lorde has continued her attendance at New York Fashion Week, despite her "weeping and screaming" eye, according to her Instagram account. It is for this reason that all stars should—under no condition—show up to any more New York Fashion Week shows today, nor should they exit their homes at all. Pink eye is very contagious.

If any celebrity in the New York Fashion Week photo above contracts pink eye due to their proximity to Lorde, please take pictures of yourself. Then, post those pictures to social media so we may properly diagnose your risk of making other celebrities’ eyes leak mucopurulent discharge. If we do not get back to you in a timely manner, please be patient. There are many stars for us to look after right now, and twice as many eyes.

"Watch my good eye open slow," Lorde writes, but she fails to consider the possibility that no one will be able to watch her do anything because their own eyelashes are crusted together.

New York Fashion Week is attended by celebrities from all over the world, meaning there is a risk of pink eye spreading to famous people globally. This conjunctivitis advisory applies to every celebrity on earth, to prevent them from ending up in the uncomfortable position of being asked, “What happened to your eye?”

Regular people can continue to do whatever.