December 16, 2015 News

Our Spoiler-Free Star Wars Review That’s Just About Whether Adam Driver Is Attractive

Everyone is eager to find out if the new Star Wars movie is good—but, understandably, they don’t want any major plot points to be spoiled. But don’t worry! We promise this review contains absolutely no spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens, focused as it is exclusively on whether or not actor Adam Driver is attractive.

It may seem impossible to review The Force Awakens without going over specific storylines or characters, or having actually seen it, or even acknowledging that any of the previous Star Wars movies exist. But rest assured that it’s very easy to ignore all of these things if you just talk about Adam Driver—and especially easy, considering he wasn’t even in those earlier films. If he were, the debate over his attractiveness would have been settled already.

Now, onto the question on everyone’s mind as they gear up for the first new Star Wars film in a decade: Is Adam Driver cute, or is he kind of weird-looking?

Based solely on trailers, posters, and other promotional materials, fans already know that it’s pretty unclear whether The Force Awakens proves that Adam Driver has a cute face. With the exception of one or two images, his character—Kyle Something—almost exclusively appears with a mask on, which completely covers the facial features that we supposed could be called “handsome” if seen in the right light. Meanwhile, the most recent TV spots fail to include Driver delivering a single line with his deep, raspy voice, forcing viewers everywhere who get off on that sort of thing to wonder if this movie is worth their time or money.

Still, J.J. Abrams has proven himself to be a capable director. And he’s also proven himself capable of taking charge of beloved science-fiction franchises and casting them with weird-faced men—Zachary Quinto and Benedict Cumberbatch, for example—that he presents as good-looking action stars. So fans should probably give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Furthermore, if you’ve watched any of the TV interviews with the Star Wars cast over the past month, it’s undeniable that Adam Driver is much better-looking when he’s able to move around and talk. His enthusiasm for the new film is filled with a confident charm that convinces you he’s more Javier Bardem than Steve Buscemi. So if Abrams can manage to capture Driver moving and talking, rather than just accidentally taking a still photograph of his face, then we’re fairly certain The Force Awakens will be a winner!

(Note to Disney: You can put that on the poster!)

In conclusion, whether you’re a Star Wars fan or not, The Force Awakens is the perfect opportunity to recapture some of that old moviehouse magic of looking at an actor and deciding whether his face does something for you, or if it’s just one of those things you don’t really get. And after you’ve seen the movie, come back and check out our spoiler-filled review of Oscar Isaac’s hunky buns!