Celebrities—those most vulnerable members of society, whose only shield from invasive, relentless scrutiny is a flimsy veneer of publicist-guarded artifice, staggering physical beauty, and vast personal wealth—were no doubt terrified to learn today of the launch of a new website dedicated solely to making fun of them. The website is reportedly run by people who don’t have their own movie careers or TV shows, who are lucky just to have savings accounts, and—let’s face it—are “attractive” only in a relative, Midwestern sense. All told, they would have nothing to lose by mocking famous people.
Understandably, said famous people are petrified.
“I am a genuinely and deeply happy person, which, as life goes on, you realize what great fortune that is,” Julia Roberts recently told both Us Weekly and herself, clearly a mantra meant to ward off the self-doubt that will be stirred by a website that might occasionally toy with her persona for laughs. Sure, this internationally famous actress has—over time and with a little work on herself—managed to come to a place of genuine acceptance, and finally realize that her happiness is good, in just the sort of epiphany one would expect from the star of Eat Pray Love. But can that truly safeguard Julia Roberts against the threat of some gossip writers milking her for page views? Can it protect her from baseless speculation, cheap innuendo, and monstrous lies, cravenly hidden behind the internet’s veil of anonymity?
“Unfortunately for Julia Roberts—a succubus whose happiness flows from the indigent children’s hearts she gnashes nightly between her gleaming incisors, squeezing every last drop of their innocence to slake her terrible thirst—that’s just the way it works,” an anonymous source for the website said, illustrating just how cavalier it is about the business of celebrity journalism.
With that being the case, no celebrity’s life is safe from being splashed all over the site’s pages for cheap clicks, even if that celebrity is incredibly boring.
“I met a woman and her dog, and I loved her dog’s name. Funny enough, it was the name she had picked out if she had a girl, but she had boys, so she used it for her dog instead,” Laguna Beach’s Kristin Cavallari rambled on and on like that in an interview quoted by People, trying to change the topic of an already-unnecessary conversation to something so inane, this new website couldn’t possibly find anything in it to talk about. Still, as Cavallari would soon discover, not even a former reality star’s pointless, endless anecdote about some stranger’s dog is so fluffy or inconsequential that the website wouldn’t immediately jump on it, then add some snarky comments to fill its daily quota of bullshit.
“That’s actually considered good enough for that place,” an unnamed insider source said. Was it the same unnamed insider source that gave us the Julia Roberts quote? In the shameless, lawless free-for-all of celebrity tabloids, no one seems to care. Really, it’s amazing.
And so, in the days leading up to the site’s launch, rattled celebrities tried to cram in as many questionable, risible, and mundane things as they could before the site had a chance to ridicule them. Rapper Tyga made yet more public sexual overtures toward barely legal girlfriend Kylie Jenner, for whom he recently wrote a song about her vagina. Kris Jenner gave near-hourly interviews in which she professed that her difficulties in accepting the recently transitioned Caitlyn Jenner were part of a natural process, and not a carefully phased plan designed to keep her on television every day. Khloé Kardashian walked around an airport or something. Kim Kardashian ate a baby, or maybe just grew one.
Elsewhere, non-Kardashian famous people did things that betrayed just how deeply they were lying to themselves about this website’s looming arrival. Just last night, on the eve of its launch—and in the most desperate display yet of self-delusion—thousands of stars gathered together in Hollywood to give each other little trophies and tell themselves how great they are, in an obvious attempt to quell the paralyzing fear inside. Proving just how terrified they were, not one of those celebrities dared mention the website’s name, knowing that this would only give it power.
The website’s name is StarWipe. And no matter how fervently celebrities may pretend otherwise, it exists. It exists, and it will write articles making fun of the beautiful, idolized rich for an audience of readers who should probably be working right now, in a way that will make that audience maybe smirk and feel slightly superior for a few, fleeting seconds. And those celebrities can’t really do anything about it, besides not saying or doing dumb things.
“But even then, the site might just make some shit up to fill a slideshow,” the insider source added, sounding strangely proud of it.
As of press time, celebrities everywhere were steeling themselves against this terrifying new threat by hiding behind their hollow bulwark of fame, fortune, and deep artistic fulfillment. But for how long?