June 15, 2016 News

Sean Penn Almost Named His Son “Steak,” Here Are 97 Better Options

In a recent chat with Interview magazine, Hopper Penn reveals that his dad, Sean Penn, almost gave him an even more ridiculous name. “My dad wanted to name me Steak, the food, because he loves it so much,” said Hopper, who was instead named as a tribute to Penn’s friend Dennis Hopper, as well as for his penchant for “hopping” inside his mother Robin Wright’s womb.

The implication that celebrated actor, humanitarian, and definitely not serial abuser Sean Penn looked up from a bloody plate of red meat one day and said, “I want to name my son this,” is as mind-boggling as it is oddly infuriating. And in order to prove how dumb this is, here are 97 alternate things Sean Penn could have named his food-son that are way better.

  1. Ribs
  2. Bits
  3. Nibbles
  4. Crunchmin
  5. Porko
  6. Stick-Meat
  7. Meat-Stick
  8. Meat-Sick
  9. Meatasaurus Rex
  10. Tenderoni
  11. Beefaroni
  12. Ninja Turtles Macaroni
  13. Stake
  14. Stank
  15. Stunk
  16. Trunk
  17. Turnbull
  18. Albanian
  19. Ranktor
  20. Trandall
  21. Thrandall
  22. Ape-smith
  23. Lark
  24. Undermin
  25. Gravelip
  26. Sinktun
  27. Pant
  28. Pants
  29. Pantster
  30. Sean Jr.
  31. Chips
  32. Dips
  33. Crisps
  34. Crispts
  35. Chris
  36. Kris
  37. Kris 2: The Reckoning
  38. Salmons
  39. Sammons
  40. Sam Is A Fine Name
  41. Nicolas
  42. Nickelbus
  43. Nickels-N-Such
  44. Ruth
  45. Bader
  46. Ginsburg
  47. Backpack
  48. Appleton
  49. Macky-Boy
  50. Buttersnotch
  51. Bubbletown
  52. Arbormin
  53. Crayble
  54. Strayble
  55. Luke Cage
  56. Iron Man
  57. Netflix’s Daredevil
  58. Possumbility
  59. O’Possumbility
  60. Netflix’s Jessica Jones O’Possum
  61. Chai
  62. Oolong
  63. Decaffeinated
  64. Mystic River
  65. Carlito’s Way
  66. An Uncredited Cameo In Risky Business
  67. Soup
  68. Slop
  69. Shlop
  70. Sloop John B
  71. [wet clicks]
  72. [dry hollow pop]
  73. [wet clicks followed by a dry hollow pop]
  74. Zzzzzzander
  75. Blazzzze
  76. Brandonzzzzzz
  77. Woosh
  78. Zoom
  79. Onomatopoeia (Bang!)
  80. Eighty
  81. Truuly
  82. Makez
  83. Noe
  84. Differ3nce
  85. Inn
  86. Tha
  87. Grandd
  88. Skeem
  89. Uv
  90. Thengs
  91. Sinse
  92. Weer
  93. Awl
  94. Goeng
  95. 2
  96. Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiie
  97. Trevor

There you go, Sean Penn! Next time you’re racking your brain for an interesting and creative name to give your offspring, just consult this handy list of well-thought-out options.