June 16, 2016 News

Seriously, What Are We Even Doing?

In a new report from TMZ, Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna are demanding a “seven-figure” deal in order to televise their upcoming wedding and what the fuck are we even doing anymore. What is this?

Rob Kardashian is, of course, the youngest son of Robert Kardashian—the attorney who defended his friend, O.J. Simpson, against charges of murdering his wife. That association with an infamous double homicide has led, decades later, not only to knowing that his son, Rob, is getting married, but also the fact that his son makes his own line of socks.

We also know that he’s struggled with his weight and that he was on a dancing show, and now we know that he wants to get married in front of television cameras for over a million dollars, because he’s certain that the constant scrutiny and celebrity privilege that’s been accorded to him—thanks to his dead dad’s wealth and that association with a famous murderer—makes his wedding a lucrative subject of national interest.

And he’s probably right, too. Seriously, what the fuck are we doing?

Blac Chyna, his fiancée and mother to his unborn child that we also already know about, is a model and “video vixen” who most famously starred in the music clip for Tyga’s “Rack City.” Remember “Rack City”? It’s the song that went like this:

Rack city bitch, rack rack city bitch
Rack city bitch, rack rack city bitch
Rack city bitch, rack rack city bitch
Ten, ten, ten, twenties and them fifties bitch
Rack city bitch, rack rack city bitch
Rack city bitch, rack rack city bitch
Rack city bitch, rack rack city bitch
Ten, ten, ten, twenties and them fifties bitch

The man who wrote those lyrics, Tyga, began having sex with Blac Chyna after she danced in that video, and eventually they had a son. A couple years later, they broke up so that Tyga could begin having sex with Kylie Jenner, a 16-year-old girl. Meanwhile, Blac Chyna became famous for being the spurned “baby mama” of the stripper song rapper who dated a teenager. These are people and actual information we have consumed and studied like it’s Burke’s Peerage so that we can more accurately and comprehensively convey to you who they are fighting and fucking with on any given day.

Kylie Jenner is, again of course, the daughter of Kris Jenner—the widow of O.J.’s late attorney who remarried Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner (now Caitlyn Jenner)—and thus the half-sister to Rob Kardashian. Again, we know all of this, despite any pretense to resistance. This is forcibly ingrained in our culture, along with the perception that this family’s messily intertwined lives constitute compelling drama. At this website, we wake up every morning and pore over it, looking for new, incredibly incremental information to share with you about it.

Some complete strangers even find this family’s very existence “empowering,” based on the fact that they proudly enjoy having money, looking good, bragging about themselves, and unapologetically talking shit. These are all traits that people who spend most of their time on social media aspire to themselves, so they find this very inspiring. No doubt some of them will even be angry that we’ve dared question what the fuck we’re doing talking about them. They will feel personally attacked on their behalf and talk unapologetic shit back to us. They will be right, because we are complicit in discussing them rather than literally anything else.

And that goes even for the people who exist on this family’s fringes—such as the reclusive, sock-making younger brother, and the ex-girlfriend of the ex-boyfriend of the teenage daughter, the stripper who danced in the video for that song about tits, who together command enough of the public’s investment to merit daily updates on every stage of their relationship, their own television series, and a million dollars to televise their wedding.

In fact, their all-consuming reach is such that this story was also reported in England, despite that country having its own population of third- and fourth-tier celebrities vying for disproportionate attention. Even the sidebar for this nothing story has two more nothing stories about two additional people even more tangentially related to the family whose lives we all somehow know about. The fuck are you even doing, England? There is a literal ocean between us. You don’t have to touch any of this.

According to TMZ, Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian have handed over negotiating the sale of their wedding to Kris Jenner, who has been able to profit repeatedly off the fact that we know about her and her family. They are all also hoping to see “the Kardashian girls there in force”—an assemblage of young women who exist in the orbit of Kim Kardashian, who famously had a sex tape with a man that we didn’t really recognize then and don’t really even know now. She has been monetizing the attention she got from that scandal for so many years, now she and the people who look up to her will get angry—actually angry—whenever it’s so much as mentioned.

And thus we also know about her sisters and their own issues with relationships and their bodies and people looking at their bodies. And then, when we get tired of talking about that stuff, we talk about their brother and his fiancée. And then we give them a million dollars, so you can watch them get married and talk about that.

What the fuck are we doing? What even is this? How much longer can we possibly unpack this Matryoshka nesting doll family until we realize that there’s nothing inside but more pretty, empty figures we don’t remember buying to display on our collective cultural mantle, for reasons we can no longer recall?

Why did we do this in the first place? Why do we keep doing it? How much longer can we keep this up?

Anyway, after their million-dollar TV wedding, these people are also having a baby on TV, and you’ll soon know everything about it, too, because it will never, ever fucking stop.