June 16, 2016 News


According to an exclusive report from People, happily married celebrities Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are expecting their second child that will soon become the focus of many tabloid write-ups and paparazzi photo ops. Despite the deadening effect of years of being ground beneath the unstoppable progression of obsession with celebrities’ personal lives, it seems it is far from over. There will soon be more of this shit.

“Ashton genuinely lights up when talking about Wyatt and the little one on the way,” said a source close to the couple, who for some reason is excited by the fact that two random people have procreated again—something that happens roughly 15,000 times per hour. Wyatt, of course, is the couple’s 20-month-old daughter, who has been the focus of nearly every single interview either Kutcher or Kunis has conducted over the last two years despite barely being 2 years old and accomplishing nothing of note to justify the world’s intense gaze. As always, the mere fact that her parents were on TV and in the movies is enough to sustain the public’s interest in their biological products—an interest that will soon be doubled, as this forthcoming second child is similarly thrust into the unnecessary limelight to be picked over and analyzed by the content-starved masses.

“Everything about being a father is natural to him,” added the source, genuinely believing this shit is an insight worth saying aloud to a publication that genuinely believes it’s worth publishing, for an audience that genuinely believes internalizing it somehow brings them closer to a person they will never, ever know. And so this shit just continues, on and on, through each successive generation of shit-dolers, shit-talkers, and shit-takers.

Of course, the persistence of this shit shouldn’t be construed as a knock against Kunis and Kutcher, who are simply trying to build a family and love one another in this horrific, trauma-filled world of ours. No, the blame for the ceaseless onslaught of the shit surrounding their innocent gestating fetus rests solely on our shoulders—of the media, of the faceless populace, and, dare we say it, of the frustrated American dream.

The belief that any one of us could—or, worse yet, should—be the focus of news articles, televised interviews, and catty blog posts has pushed our society to a place where the very idea of a famous person getting knocked up is enough to ignite a 9-month news cycle, directly followed by an 18-year news cycle. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. Until death.

So congratulations to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. We hope you have a healthy child that brings even more joy to your presumably happy family. But more than that, we hope we never have to hear about any of this shit ever again, because it does nothing for you—or for us. This shit has to stop.