June 16, 2016 News

These People Fucking Again

In the wake of reports that suggested these people were no longer fucking, a new report suggests these people are fucking anew. It’s a reunion that should bring a modicum of joy to fans young and old, whose lives are wholly enriched by imagining these people fucking, and who found themselves briefly troubled by the thought that their fucking could be at an end.

Rumors of these people fucking—whether it had resumed after a brief cessation, or was simply never interrupted to begin with—were first floated in Elle, where the beautiful, famous woman tellingly referred to the beautiful, famous male as her “boyfriend.” It’s a term that’s laden with subtext, hinting at a regular, mutually exclusive fucking that absolutely flies in the face of the ceasefire of fucking to which the world had been alerted mere days before. The ensuing confusion over whether they were fucking was only intensified when these sexually active humans were then spotted holding hands, in the manner of two people who are comfortable with fucking.

Were they fucking? Did they still like fucking? Everyone with vested interest in their fucking wanted to know, but they weren’t clear about it. But now, according to People, “it seems pretty clear” that these people are fucking again.

This confident assertion was made in the wake of the beautiful, famous male canceling a show this weekend, where he would have temporarily stopped fucking to do the thing that makes the question of whom he is or is not fucking such a subject of international interest. According to the beautiful, famous male, this cancellation was due to “anxiety,” a serious condition that is only exacerbated by the intense public scrutiny that constantly surrounds his young life—including, but certainly not limited to, whom he may be fucking at any given moment.

In response, the beautiful, famous woman offered a statement that made it clear she supported his difficult decision, expressing her empathy with the impossible demands placed on him and other beautiful, famous people—not only in their professional lives, but by the relentless publicity machine that makes every aspect of their existence into fodder for cheap, pointless speculation, as though whether or not these two distant strangers are fucking each other could have any bearing on anyone besides the people doing the fucking.

Yep, sure looks like these people are fucking again! We’ll continue to watch them to see if they keep fucking or stop fucking so we can let you know.

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