April 11, 2016 News

You Voted, So Here’s What We’re Sending O.J. Simpson In Prison

Well, it looks like O.J. Simpson will soon have a glorious new piece of memorabilia to hang up on his prison cell wall. Over the weekend, we asked you guys what we should send Simpson in prison, and you gave us a resounding response.

That’s why we’re sending Simpson a photograph of disgraced former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle, autographed by several StarWipe staffers!

We couldn’t be more excited to send this one-of-a-kind item to Simpson. We were all big fans of American Crime Story: The People V. O.J. Simpson. So after Kim Goldman, the sister of alleged Simpson murder victim Ron Goldman tweeted out Simpson’s prison address, we had to seize this once-in-a-millennium opportunity.

Of course, we are indebted to you, our readers, for helping us decide. The Fogle photo was a clear front-runner right out of the gate. Ending up with 36 percent of the vote, it was far and away the favorite gift choice, finishing well ahead of Binge by Tyler Oakley and a steak knife from our office kitchen.

Now it’s time to send Simpson his big surprise. We dropped the photo off in the mail Monday, along with the letter printed below. We’ll let you know as soon as we hear something back from him.

Letter to Simpson:

Dear O.J. “Juice” Simpson:

We hope this letter finds you well. We’re not sure how much time you get to spend on the internet in prison, but we’re StarWipe, a website that reports celebrity and entertainment news but tries to have fun with it. The reason we’re writing is because Kim Goldman—whom you may remember as the sister of Ron Goldman, whom you were once put on trial for murdering—recently tweeted out your address. She was encouraging people to send you hate mail, which is something we don’t feel comfortable doing. Nevertheless, we still thought it would be neat to send you something that you might appreciate since you are a celebrity, and, as we alluded to before, we like celebrities.

We asked our readers what we should send you, and 36 percent of them—a decisive plurality—thought we should send you the enclosed picture of former Subway pitchman Jared Fogle. Perhaps you guys know each other? He is also in jail now, but for different crimes than the ones for which you were convicted. If you don’t know each other, you two should try to get in contact. As former celebrities who are now in jail, you surely have many commonalities. Also, we know you like memorabilia because you kidnapped that guy one time to get some back, so we all decided to sign the photo in hopes that its value will skyrocket in coming years/decades.

We hope you enjoyed hearing from us. We’d love to receive a letter back from you. There’s a bunch of stuff we’re dying to know. First of all, what is your favorite memory of playing collegiate and professional football? And what was Leslie Nielsen like to work with on the set of the Naked Gun movies? Also, did you murder Nicole Brown Simpson (your ex-wife) and Ron Goldman (your ex-wife’s friend)? We would very much like to know.

Try to make the most out of prison!

Sincerely,

StarWipe

P.S. The picture of Jared Fogle is for you to keep.