June 16, 2016 News

JUST FUCKING STOP

On Wednesday, June 15, for the umpteenth time in the past decade, Jennifer Aniston was pronounced pregnant. “Jennifer Aniston Pregnant With A Miracle Baby At Age 47!” reported In Touch. “Jennifer Aniston Pregnant: Mom-To-Be Covers Up Her Bump In NYC Following Baby News,” it announced mere hours later, followed shortly by “Pregnant Jennifer Aniston Opts To Vacation In Zika-Free Bahamas Rather Than Her Usual Spot, Cabo.” Aniston’s miracle pregnancy was almost instantly a top trending topic on Facebook and spawned dozens of copycat reports within hours. In fact, Aniston’s amazing pregnancy was pretty much everywhere—except in her actual uterus. According to reps for Aniston, she’d simply had a large lunch before being photographed in a bikini by a paparazzo with a telephoto lens. Jennifer Aniston wasn’t pregnant, she isn’t pregnant, and she probably never will be pregnant. She is a 47-year-old woman who doesn’t want to be pregnant.

Seriously, just fucking stop.

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Yes, we know that people seemingly long to see America’s Rachel welcome a baby into her loving, well-lotioned arms. Watching the curve of Aniston’s abdomen for telltale signs of baby-containing has become a bit of a national pastime, perpetually trapping Aniston in a state of pregnant-non-pregnancy with a kind of Schrödinger’s fetus.

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And it makes a sick kind of sense! Aniston has for so long been thrust into being the symbol of lovelorn single women who bravely persevere against the odds to be restored to a state of heteronormative love and marriage. If that all doesn’t culminate in a proto-human baking in her oven, then legions of “Fanistons” have been projecting their own hopes onto someone who doesn’t reflect the fulfillment of those hopes back at them.

Surely, that must make the Fanistons very sad.

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But now, as Page Six follows up on this latest pregnancy rumor by reporting that “Jennifer Aniston’s Tummy Is As Taut As Ever,” we think that it is important to establish some fundamental truths:

Jennifer Aniston’s uterus is not your uterus.

What happens to and in Jennifer Aniston’s uterus has no bearing on what will happen to and/or in yours.

Jennifer Aniston is, in all likelihood, nothing like you at all.

That is okay.

Jennifer Aniston is a person we know about because her job entails having her image recorded by cameras and broadcast into people’s homes.

This does not make Jennifer Aniston our friend.

This does not make Jennifer Aniston any more or less important than anyone else.

This feeling of intimacy produced by having Jennifer Aniston’s image broadcast into our homes does not mean that what happens in her life has or should have any bearing on what happens in ours.

Wanting a stranger to be pregnant is weird.

Wanting a stranger to be pregnant does not mean that that stranger is or will be pregnant.

Harassing a stranger who happens to have achieved some success in her chosen field, which just so happens to be acting, will not result in that stranger being pregnant.

Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant.

Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant.

Jennifer Aniston is not pregnant.

Please stop.

Please just fucking stop.

Just fucking stop.