February 29, 2016 Slideshow

5 Celebrities Whose Weight-Loss Stories Inspired Us To Google “Vegetables”

These stars all went through some serious body transformations—and each of their weight-loss stories were so inspiring, we finally found it within ourselves to google “vegetables.” And boy, did we ever fall down a rabbit hole!

1

Kelly Osbourne

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Having shed a whopping 70 pounds since 2009, Osbourne says that working out and eating well led to her slimmer figure. She even shared with Shape magazine a list of what she eats almost every day, a diet that prominently features “vegetables.”

At first we assumed “vegetables” was a kind of bread, but a quick Google search set us straight. It turns out “vegetables” are a whole different type of food that grows in the ground. But even though they all grow in the ground, not all “vegetables” have the same name! Some are called “kale,” while others are called “poblano peppers.”

2

Jennifer Hudson

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Reassuringly, we weren’t the first people to get curious about “vegetables.” Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson also had the help of “vegetables” when she lost around 80 pounds after the birth of her son! We can only assume that she ate many—but probably not all—of the different kinds of “vegetables” when she was a Weight Watchers spokesperson from 2010 to 2014. In fact, one of her favorite recipes was a “No-Noodle Vegetable Lasagna,” which replaces the noodles in traditional lasagna with “vegetables.” Apparently that’s possible!

As we continued to click through our search results, we grew increasingly overwhelmed by the wealth of available information on “vegetables.” We also clicked over to Google Images, where we learned that many “vegetables” are green, but at least one is purple.

3

Jonah Hill

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Imagine our relief when we realized that Wikipedia has compiled a comprehensive list of “vegetables.” Now imagine our slowly dawning horror when we saw that this list had more than 100 items on it. How do people keep all of the “vegetables” in their heads at once? How is it intuitive that small yellow pellets (which Wikipedia calls “corn”) belong in the same category as what looks like tiny green atomic bomb frozen mid-explosion (“broccoli”)?

This must be why weight loss is so difficult! We are all the more in awe of Jonah Hill, who used “vegetables” to slim down for his role in 21 Jump Street!

4

Kirstie Alley

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We’ve calmed down a bit about “vegetables” since we shut our laptop and took a quick break from our internet research. It can’t be that hard to memorize all the varieties—so many people have done it! If these stars can look at a dirty, flaccid orange dagger and automatically think “carrot,” then we can at least try to do the same.

For motivation, we can always turn to Kirstie Alley, who’s lost 50-plus pounds more than once. Sure enough, People reports that “Alley fills up on organic fruits and vegetables.”

… Wait, what? Oh, no.

5

John Goodman

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Okay, get ready for this: “Vegetables” are not the only good things to put in your mouth for weight loss. There are also “fruits”! Another set of Google searches has revealed that “fruits,” like “vegetables,” are amazingly, infuriatingly diverse. For example, some can fit in your hand and some require two hands to hold comfortably. Some have names that feel good in your mouth, like “plum.” Others sound like a threatening promise, such as “blood orange.”

Based on these admittedly preliminary findings, we think that, when used together, “vegetables” and “fruits” become some kind of weight-loss-inducing hybrid food. John Goodman recently lost more than 100 pounds by adopting a “Mediterranean-style eating plan” that incorporates—you guessed it—“vegetables” and “fruit.” The diet also emphasizes “fish,” “nuts,” and “olive oil,” which, fuck, those better be different types of bread.