March 10, 2016 Slideshow

5 Soothing Celebrity Voices We Wouldn’t Mind Telling Us The World Is Ending

The world’s end sure wouldn’t seem like the end of the world if we heard about it from any of these stars’ mouths.


Laurence Fishburne

Veteran actor Laurence Fishburne has had a long career full of high-octane roles. And yet, as commanding as he is in action-packed films like The Matrix, Fishburne’s lush baritone voice has a soothing quality that immediately puts us at ease, no matter the noise that surrounds it. Deep, even, and almost effortlessly authoritative, Fishburne’s voice instantly makes us feel like everything’s going to be all right, and if it were to tell us a super-hurricane with an eye the size of Texas was heading straight for the Eastern Seaboard just as a typhoon approaches Hong Kong, we surely wouldn’t mind.


Nigella Lawson

Her cooking looks great, but when it comes to Nigella Lawson and her smooth, buttery voice, it’s truly a feast for our ears. When Lawson describes even the most mundane of kitchen tasks, it sounds like a sensuous indulgence. Whether she’s throatily talking us through how to make pasta puttanesca to serve six, or instructing us to fill every vessel we can with potable water because the hurricane has flooded every sewer and chemical plant, bringing forth a slurry of human excrement and industrial waste that flows noxiously through the streets, spreading disease and disorder in its wake, everything Nigella says sounds delicious!


Kevin Spacey

Even though his House Of Cards character is as bad as they come, Kevin Spacey’s mellifluous Southern drawl in his role as Frank Underwood manages to make everything else just melt away. Yes, the audience can tell he’s lying through his teeth, but somehow the thick aural honey slowly flowing from Spacey’s tongue could make us gladly strip our half-collapsed homes of metal pipes and jagged shards of glass that we can use to take up arms against the state, his voice pouring out smooth yet strong, like the concrete paving our vengeful march to the buildings of power, where—with crude tools and bitter hearts—we will extract payment in blood for our lives’ ruin.


Laura Linney

And when, his government in shambles and starving rioters at his door, the head of a nuclear-capable state decides that all of humankind shall go down with him, the words “Hi, I’m Laura Linney. Look to the skies and make peace with your god” will sound likable enough to distract from the bloodcurdling screams ripping through every city as the Earth explodes into a volley of mushroom clouds and death.

Everybody likes Laura Linney!


Morgan Freeman

Yes, if the tides should rise, the cities flood, and the very air we breathe becomes a choking mass of toxic vapors and increasingly volatile storms such that life on Earth cannot possibly survive much longer, hopefully someone who sounds like Morgan Freeman will tell us about it. Because Leonardo DiCaprio already tried, but his voice is just way too nasally.