March 4, 2016 Slideshow

6 Celebrities With Big Hands Who Are Nevertheless Not Qualified To Be President

All of these stars sure do have some big hands! They’re definitely not small—and yet, this doesn’t exactly qualify them for the highest office in the land, a fact that seemingly bears repeating.


Russell Crowe


Wow, look at those hands! Russell Crowe certainly doesn’t have small hands, which is all but a guarantee that there’s no problem with something else being small—if you catch our drift. But still, Crowe’s impressively large hands aside, he’s not exactly qualified to be President of the United States. For one thing, he hails from Australia, and the Constitution at least has a few geographical stipulations regarding who can run. For another, Crowe has a history of angry outbursts at those he regards as his inferiors that’s quite unbecoming of a president.


Uma Thurman


Uma Thurman certainly has some long, sinewy fingers and broad palms that made her kung-fu grip in Kill Bill all the more intimidating! But do they really qualify her to be the leader of the free world? We’re not certain how this became the metric by which we judge our leaders, but still, we’d have to say an emphatic “no.” When it comes right down to it, she has the big hands, but she simply doesn’t have the experience.


Jennifer Garner


Yes, those are some surprisingly big hands, Jennifer Garner, but your expertise is in acting, not policy-making. Sure, your palms are larger than we expected, and you’ve got a decent record of working for charity, but we’re not sure that’s the same.


Shaquille O’Neal


Holy cow, Shaq sure has some enormous hands! With those he could easily palm a basketball, but could he use them to apply executive veto power judiciously and with rationality? It’s a troubling question—and one that, frankly, we wouldn’t feel comfortable putting to the test just because Shaq has really huge hands, even though voters care about this, apparently.


Eliza Coupe


Former Happy Endings star Eliza Coupe has talked about the size of her “mammoth man mitts” repeatedly in interviews, so it seems like she’s been openly campaigning for the White House for years now. And yet, despite all of Coupe’s braggadocio about her hands—and the fact that she was very entertaining on TV—the office of president isn’t something to just be given to anybody with big digits and a slot on network primetime. There are still other factors to consider.


Arnold Schwarzenegger


Sure, this ’80s icon has all the things one looks for in a presidential frontrunner. He speaks loudly in repetitive catchphrases. He has a history of fostering bankruptcy. He’s got a job hosting The Apprentice. And of course, he has enormous hands—so large that he was even allegedly called “Long Hands” by the housekeeper with whom he had a secret son, over the way he groped her and other female workers. (So he’s also got objectification of women down too!) Yet despite all of these things, Arnold’s still not qualified to be president—both because of his Austrian heritage, and because no one should be drawn to a candidate on the basis that they’re a tough-talking celebrity with large body parts. That would be idiotic.