June 16, 2016 TrendWatch

TrendWatch: Wearing Whatever We Damn Well Tell You To

When it comes to fashionable dressing, there’s nothing more chic than going out and buying precisely what we command, because we fucking said so.

1

Highlighter Colors

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In-the-know fashionistas are flocking to the growing fluorescents trend, one of this season’s most fashionable ways to make it clear that you comply with what we tell you to wear. Don’t like highlighter colors? Tough shit. We’re a fashion publication, and we say that’s what you’re wearing.

2

Silky Nipple Shirts

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Menswear tends to err on the conservative side, leaving the fashion-forward gent significantly fewer options for flair than are available to the ladies. Luckily, we’ve decided to change all that. We’re just gonna go ahead and say that silky nipple shirts like this one from Songzio are all the rage. That’s right, men: Go out and buy a sheer, silken veil for your nipples. Do it. This is not a suggestion; it’s an order. We are tastemakers, and we have the power to make you wear nip shrouds. Don’t you ever fucking forget that.

3

Underpants Dressing

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Oh, what’s that? Mama’s special baby doesn’t want to wear underpants clothes? Well, you should have thought of that before you decided to be a human who lives among other humans, and thus must abide by the dictates of human society. And guess who’s in the driver’s seat when it comes to determining acceptable standards of apparel? It’s sure as shit not you. It’s fashion authorities like us who say which trends live or die, and we have pronounced underpants dressing as one of this season’s must-have looks. Wanna try us? It’ll only make things worse for you if you do. Trust us: Things can and will get much, much worse for you if you don’t do exactly as we say and hit the streets in a nice little undies outfit.

Good. Very good.

4

Renaissance-Boy Puffy Hats

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And while you’re at it, you’d sure as hell better get one of these puffy caps that make you look like a Renaissance painter’s lithe and androgynous young apprentice. This is what we say is fashionable; ergo, this is what you’d better fucking be wearing the next time we check.

5

Cardboard Cutout Of Trendsetting Fashion Blogger Leandra Medine

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Look, we don’t write this stuff for our health. We are the ne plus ultra in what is fun and flirty, which is why when we say that Leandra Medine of Man Repeller is truly the fashion girl’s fashion girl, and that it’s completely nonnegotiable that you print out this photo of her, take it to Kinko’s, have the pimpled little punk behind the counter use the magic of computers to blow up this image into a life-size cardboard cutout of glam gamine Leandra, then wear that cutout about your person like a stylish one-sided sandwich board. We expect full compliance.

6

That Which We Command

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Seriously, don’t you dare fucking cross us. It is not your place to question our commands; it your place to diligently follow an industry that fundamentally exists in order to manage consumer demand for a rotating array of products that only change in style because that makes people buy more, and then to buy whatever the fuck we tell you to and put it on your stupid body.

7

Obey

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Obey us, you pathetic, weak-willed person who can’t even dress themselves.

Obey.